5:41am. Just got home from the bar. I feel like I'm too old for this shit.
Nothing bad happened. I didn't even really drink. I had a couple of (LIGHT) beers just because I felt guilty sitting around and not buying anything (same reason why I sometimes buy books I don't even want if I'm in a tiny used bookstore). I had a good time sitting and talking with a couple of my friends for the majority of the night, and meeting some new people after they left. I got to talk about Star Trek/Wars and Tolkien a little.
I just feel fucking gross and used up for some reason. I spent the majority of the night having to deflect unwanted advances without being a dick about it -- and I think the gays and straight chicks reading this know how ridiculously impossible it is to subtly deflect a drunk guy's advances without being mean and hurting their feelings.
This isn't a "wah wah wah I'm so attractive it's hard to be so hot!!" kind of thing. I honestly and in all seriousness don't consider myself physically attractive and think that I'm probably average at best -- slightly above on a good day, slightly below on a bad day. I'm also one of the most awkward motherfuckers on the planet. But unfortunately, one of my ways of dealing with my extreme social discomfort is to force/fake a friendliness and ease with people that I don't actually feel. I'm learning that this works really well at work (waiting tables), but not so much at a bar, since most gay men are too fucking drunk and emotionally damaged to differentiate between friendliness and sexual interest.
I want to bitch about this subject more deeply and eloquently at some point, but it's now 5:48am and my goal was to be in bed before 6 (aiming for the stars, right?) so I should probably turn the damn computer off.
Tomorrow's goals: wake up at 11:30, start p90x by 12:15 (I've learned that I'm absolutely incapable of starting sooner than that -- especially in the winter. Waking up is a very slooooow and gradual process for me, and in the winter I'm like a lizard that needs to absorb a certain amount of heat before it can move), finish by 2, shower and leave for work by 2:45. Force a smile all night at work and attempt to be pleasant to the people around me. Get a little fucked up at a friend's place after work.
Thursday: Wake up no later than 10:30 and head to work for the lunch shift around 11 (the benefits of spending the night with a friend who lives in Manhattan -- ordinarily I have to wake up at 8:45). Get a haircut and do some late Christmas shopping during my break. Back to work 6-10, head to Brooklyn, squeeze in p90x, go to bed at a decent hour (ughhh), wake up early (ughhhhhhhhhhhh) and with any kind of luck, manage to smoothly get onto a Chinatown bus to Maryland on Friday morning.
5:53. Seven minutes to STOP RELOADING FARMVILLE, take out my contacts, and go to bed.
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Ha. As far as white dudes go, you're a rather attractive specimen (at least for a scuzzy greaseball Italian). You don't really find Caucasian guys attractive, however, which is probably why you underrate yourself.
It's the same reason why I find it very difficult to gauge how attractive people find me in any given situation. It's hard to say "I'm so hot!" when you're also saying, "I totally wouldn't date myself."
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