Suze Orman For President!

Obama has the right idea so far -- putting Hillary up there as Secretary of State is a good way of placating rageful feminazis like me who were still bitter from the primary shit. Okay, good job, thank you. I know you did it just for me.

But so far he's already made one very big mistake, and it's a troubling one. Timothy Geithner as Secretary of Treasury? Who? You're putting together this superstar team of people and you appoint some random dude for what may be the most important position in the country over the next four years? I don't care if Wikipedia says he was the president of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York.

I want to somehow get in there and pull a Monica (except I wouldn't stain my shirt -- I'd swallow every last drop of that shit. Though she had the right idea, I would stash that shit away also. I wouldn't grab my mother's stain removal stick for that, except maybe to shove it up my ass while I take out the soiled shirt from under my bed every night and jerk off while looking at the jizz stain and remembering how for five minutes I was the most powerful person in the world) and after I was done and he told me he was desperately in love with me and would do anything I asked him to, I would tell him... WHY NOT APPOINT SUZE ORMAN AS SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY????

I'm serious! Sure, she might not have any "POLITICAL EXPERIENCE" but what the hell -- she's like EVERYBODY'S consultant and knows EVERYTHING about money and I guarantee she'd do a better job than literally anyone else alive on the planet right now, WITHOUT HYPERBOLE!!!!!! She taught both Oprah AND Anderson Cooper better ways to manage their money (less egotistical vanity projects for the former, 10-inch long 6-inch thick brown dildos for the latter. Okay no she didn't say that, but I could tell she was thinking it. Because she and I are of one mind on most topics and I can't see us randomly diverging wildly on this one)

And, more importantly... KATHY GRIFFIN!

She's tough...



But fair!!



Not only is she incredibly thoughtful...



...but she's also ELEGANT



Look at that. Tell me that woman isn't perfect. As Michael K (who one day will read my blog and decide that he wants me to go spelunking in his chili hole) would say, a sexy GAYELLE. I would fucking grind my fishmound against hers if she gave me even the slightest signal that it would be okay -- just one raised eyebrow would be enough. I want her to spank me with her filthy money-touching hands and maybe imprint me with just a slight aura of success. TELL ME RIGHT NOW that you don't think she would solve every single one of this country's problems? Timothy WHO???



If I saw him wearing either this outfit (think Peg Bundy accepting a job at a consulting firm) or the one above, then maybe I'd consider warming up to him. Maybe.

In other news, all I did today -- my last day off before Thanksgiving, mind you -- was watch TV and eat and jerk off. Oh and I played Mario Kart with my sister. And took kind of a messy shit.

And at no point did I ever wash my hands.

PEOPLE FIRST, THEN MONEY, THEN THINGS

Welcome the Prince of Puke!

I've been (tentatively) wanting to penetrate my way back into the blogging world for a while now. So let me vomit on my cybercock and slide it back in, slowly.

I have a weird relationship with blogging. I've had countless fights and squabbles over it, and I've violently fluctuated between posting every single thought and event that happened to me and thinking the whole thing was disgusting and overly indulgent. I have the chronic problem that most shy people with low self esteem have -- desperate for external acknowledgment, and being unable to either find what we need inside of ourselves or find it through natural human interaction, we're left desperately clawing at the internet ether for some source of validation. Unfortunately, going along with the whole shy/low self-esteem thing is a sometimes neurotic and obsessive need for privacy, which seems very counter productive to keeping a consistent public record of our life and thoughts.

Plus, on a personal level, I'm terrified that the Reptilians are tracking my every move and I should give them as little ammo as possible. But since they've most likely already probed my ass and read my mind (which is pretty much the same as reading 120 Days of Sodom so really I wish they would just leave me alone, although they probably did get a lot of new rectal torture ideas from me) anything I say here probably won't make a difference.

When I start writing in a format and using a platform that encourages every sentence beginning with the letter "I" I have a tendency to become extremely morose and faux-soul-searchingly lugubrious and angsty. And it goes on. And on. And on. So I'm going to try something a little different and keep slightly more structure to this. I'm gonna try to keep it relatively light and humorous, and try to save the more whiny shit for my personal journal. I need to get back in the habit of writing consistently again -- in that sense, my personal journal doesn't count, because I'm so lazy with grammar and structure and content that it doesn't use any of the writing muscles at all. Writing for an audience is a lot different and makes me think a lot harder, and I want to do it as much as possible.

As a secondary function I'd like it to help keep all my friends semi-updated with what's going on in my life, since I'm shitty and lazy and any time I sit at the computer to write an email I usually just end up jerking off and then reloading dlisted.com over and over again and then eat and go to bed.

So, hi -- add me, subscribe, whatever, and I promise to try my hardest to keep you entertained and make you laugh, or at least disgust you slightly. Or, if nothing else, at least leave you feeling good about yourself, in a "god, it could be so much worse, at least I'm not HIM..." kind of way. Maybe I'll even make you orgasm from such a sudden influx of self esteem.

I'm nothing if not altruistic.