Suze Orman For President!

Obama has the right idea so far -- putting Hillary up there as Secretary of State is a good way of placating rageful feminazis like me who were still bitter from the primary shit. Okay, good job, thank you. I know you did it just for me.

But so far he's already made one very big mistake, and it's a troubling one. Timothy Geithner as Secretary of Treasury? Who? You're putting together this superstar team of people and you appoint some random dude for what may be the most important position in the country over the next four years? I don't care if Wikipedia says he was the president of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York.

I want to somehow get in there and pull a Monica (except I wouldn't stain my shirt -- I'd swallow every last drop of that shit. Though she had the right idea, I would stash that shit away also. I wouldn't grab my mother's stain removal stick for that, except maybe to shove it up my ass while I take out the soiled shirt from under my bed every night and jerk off while looking at the jizz stain and remembering how for five minutes I was the most powerful person in the world) and after I was done and he told me he was desperately in love with me and would do anything I asked him to, I would tell him... WHY NOT APPOINT SUZE ORMAN AS SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY????

I'm serious! Sure, she might not have any "POLITICAL EXPERIENCE" but what the hell -- she's like EVERYBODY'S consultant and knows EVERYTHING about money and I guarantee she'd do a better job than literally anyone else alive on the planet right now, WITHOUT HYPERBOLE!!!!!! She taught both Oprah AND Anderson Cooper better ways to manage their money (less egotistical vanity projects for the former, 10-inch long 6-inch thick brown dildos for the latter. Okay no she didn't say that, but I could tell she was thinking it. Because she and I are of one mind on most topics and I can't see us randomly diverging wildly on this one)

And, more importantly... KATHY GRIFFIN!

She's tough...



But fair!!



Not only is she incredibly thoughtful...



...but she's also ELEGANT



Look at that. Tell me that woman isn't perfect. As Michael K (who one day will read my blog and decide that he wants me to go spelunking in his chili hole) would say, a sexy GAYELLE. I would fucking grind my fishmound against hers if she gave me even the slightest signal that it would be okay -- just one raised eyebrow would be enough. I want her to spank me with her filthy money-touching hands and maybe imprint me with just a slight aura of success. TELL ME RIGHT NOW that you don't think she would solve every single one of this country's problems? Timothy WHO???



If I saw him wearing either this outfit (think Peg Bundy accepting a job at a consulting firm) or the one above, then maybe I'd consider warming up to him. Maybe.

In other news, all I did today -- my last day off before Thanksgiving, mind you -- was watch TV and eat and jerk off. Oh and I played Mario Kart with my sister. And took kind of a messy shit.

And at no point did I ever wash my hands.

PEOPLE FIRST, THEN MONEY, THEN THINGS